I have now finally started answering your lovely messages. I cannot state enough how thankful I am for all the love you have shown me, and I’m discovering a softer side to myself that I didn’t knew existed. A simple ‘I’m here for you’ have brought me to tears countless of times. I feel empowered by all the love and support, and after a horrible week of madness, I’m feeling the sparkle and the encouragement to begin the fight. And I will keep talking to you all.
Last night was a horrible experience; I woke up at 2, 3, 3:30, 4 and 4:45am with extreme headaches, panic and urgent needs to seek the bathroom. My daily intake of 24 cortisone pills (with the purpose of gradually killing the tumor in my chest) keeps me both agitated and hyper energetic. As I’m pretty hyper in my natural state, I fear this might become a big problem over the coming months.
I’ve furthermore found out that I will most likely become sterile following this treatment – and my last healthy sons and daughters are now stored away for me and my future special one, should I make it through this.
Today is the first day I’m being allowed to sleep away from the hospital. Since I came to Stockholm on the 30th of June, I’ve spent every single night at Karolinska Institutet. The doctors feel that my physical condition is stable, but I am going back tomorrow and Friday to take blood samples and to continue the chemotherapy. I am now moving home to my mother in central Stockholm. This is something I never saw myself doing again; to move home. I’ve always seen myself as an adventurer and conqueror with no fear on my mind, but right now I couldn’t feel a stronger need to be safe with the people that love me the most, my parents. Attached is a picture of me signing out of the hospital (thank you Dad), as well as one with my lovely mother, to resemble a time when things were much easier.
As mentioned, tomorrow I’m going back to the hospital to take new blood samples and will hopefully find out whether my body is reacting to the treatment.
Lots of love to you all
(Original and unedited blog posts written by Fabian Bolin in 2015 when diagnosed by cancer.)