So I woke up at 4:13am this morning. Unable to properly open up my eyes, but my was heart beating so hard and fast that my body was literally shaking. The pain is my neck has now spread down through my spine so that it covers the whole back. I’ve lost another 1.5kg (3 lbs) despite eating obscene amounts of food. Whatever. Chest tumor pain is back again. Hands shaking (classic nowadays) and the beautiful headache of course. Contemplated calling my nurse but didn’t. Better get used to war.
Lying there in my 4 am chemo haze, I started thinking. It is hard to understand why things happen the way they happen, but I have come to accept that somewhere out there, in this confusing labyrinth called “life,” there has to be a reason for it all and a purpose that somehow ties us to that equation, whatever that equation may be. I believe that my purpose might be to help you. I opened up my messages and started reading your letters. I think I read over 5-600 hundred of the now +15,000 letters that you have sent me. For the first time, since Day #2 with cancer, I started crying. I thought that was an emotion that would disappear in the overall emptiness, but it didn’t, and it helped me get rid of the back pain. The chest problems eased. I would like to share a small selection below, of what people have written to me, for you to understand.
“Fabian, your brave and raw story about your suffering has helped me to finally start dealing with the death of my young daughter, who was taken from me by leukemia six years ago.”
“What you are currently describing is the dark hell that has been my reality over the last five years. I have never dared to mention this to anyone. Only now, I feel like I can start living again.”
“I lost both my wife and my son to cancer, and I am now a lonely father, who has contemplated ending this earthly life several times as I’m struggling to see a point to it all. But when I discover the bravery in a young soul like yourself, the power and sheer determination to take charge of your life and make the most out of it no matter the consequences, I’m starting to believe that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Please continue what you are doing as long as you can, you are healing mankind through your suffering”.
‘YOU HAVE CHANGED MY LIFE
YOU ARE MY WAKE UP CALL
THANK YOU FOR SHARING YOUR PAIN AND YOUR STRUGGLE”
If I, through describing my hell and my war in raw and honest detail, can help you come to terms with your sorrows, then I have found my reason for this. I will share with you every single detail from this journey; my pain, my fears, my panic, my sadness, my anger, my falling to pieces, hair loss, weight loss, potentially being put in wheelchair, my infertility and the fear of not having my own kids, the breakdown own my acting career, my paranoia and my eventual collapse with you. People have advised me to write a separate personal diary alongside the blog. I won’t – this is me. I WILL NOT HOLD BACK ON ANYTHING.
Please help me share my story throughout the world so that I can reach everyone that needs my aid. Please share the posts, together we are strong.
Leukemia, it will be a long and hard battle, but I warn you now;
I DON’T PRAY – I SLAY
Love from me
(Original and unedited blog posts written by Fabian Bolin in 2015 when diagnosed by cancer.)